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WELCOME TO VALENTRACIA
From the desk of John Snobbish, The Snob God Goblin of Slobtown, leader of The Cult of 1000 Johns, and Divine Ambassador - Avalonion Guard John Major - under the prestigious employ of The Royal House of Snobbish: Vox Patroni Dei.
And peace flowed in the lands of Valentracia. And there was no war amongst the Four Families, neither with their kinfolk.
But peace surely cannot last forever in the bountiful, beautiful and ever so dutiful lands of Valentracia. The Great Inferno came and scorched the Avalon Port (1.r) near to annihilation. And the Four Families began to shift about restlessly. There were many negations held during this era but they led to little more than contests of brute force. Pure talent was all that grew in the noble citizens of Avalon and so each and every “would be” John Todd was wont to be found without some grandiose boast or another upon their lips. This led to much quarreling and a great many theatrics about the land.
Suddenly, with the Avalon Port (1.r) in ruins and before the time of The Deluge, a powerful saboteur of unknown contract slipped through the Digital Space Hub Bell Communicate and evaporated into the Avalonion Mysts.
Our story: what is a Pantheonic War of unbelievable proportions stretching the eons of human existence, what is the Fogtown Massacre, The Deluge, The Midnight Mass of Diamond Jim, The Attack of Deadclone One, The Sikada Complex, The Ghost School Revenants, the Fogtown Revivalists, The Revelations of Algernon Staircase, The Mass of Mary Mudbrick, The Sins of St. Pennsylvania, The PORT1.rAITS, The Dance of the Water Dragon, Sikada Ground Assault, The Aveon Swarm, Scorpion Ghost Archers, Aryan Blood Gods, Ordained Elementals, Earthbound Supplicants, The ROTAG SAGAS, The Granite Chessboard, The Sadclown Masterpiece, and countless other fantastic adventures and tragedy what brings us here to the now ever peaceful and ever present Snob Gardens Viewing Emporium of Underwater
History.
As I was saying, our story begins here, with what the survivors have come to call THE NORTHWOODS INTERCEPT. And, since I was the Troubadour what intercepted this first mysterious transmission, it appears I shall also be your narrator for this journey.
Greetings and welcome to you, our most sophisticated and noble patrons of Troubadourian Snobartistry. I am the A.S. Troubadour Poor Soul of Mary Sorrowful, but you can just call me Honest John.
—————————————————————NorthWoods Intercept 22.12.14.12———————————————————
There is a place.
Do you remember?
Follow the crick down where we used to catch bullheads.
Remember?
Now go where I first put my letter,
the big one with the two bones.
Behind the stone, six feet down and marked (at one point anyway) by a large cinderblock,
you will need to dig.
Bring a shovel or large hunting knife.
Retrieve it.
I went there after the storm.
I left that thing what you told me to never lose.
It's waiting for you now.
I can't hide it anymore because I am going to the shed.
He won't send me back.
Once you have it again you mustn't wait not a minute of time.
Take it to the taxidermist.
He's still where I left him.
If you have to you know where the last house is buried.
I love you.
God speed.
Pontchartrain
————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————
The greatest Intellects in Valentracia have yet to uncover even the slightest insight into the purpose, meaning, or possible recipient of this transmission. What we do know is that the sender, one named Pontchartrain, began weaving, from the outset, a professional, methodical, and ever vigilant campaign of clandestine corruption and artistic instigation between the Four Families of The House of Snobbish. We don’t know his ultimate mission. But we know it was him behind the Attack of Deadclone 1. And after that all hell broke loose.
Well, I guess we’re kind of starting at the end and working our way back to the beginning. It will all make sense in time. I’m sure of it. Because the Future is John.
Until then and as always I am your humble servant,
Honest John Nobody
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An Homage to Street Fighter and the certifiable BEST Van Damme impression in the history of the UNIVERSE. Period.